Divorce Mediation: Lose the custody mentality
Posted by catherine jacobs on Thu, May 06, 2010 @ 09:14 AM
Mediation: A Better Choice
A recent article in the Michigan Family Law Journal(Vol. 40 No. $ April 2010) by Carole Chiamp discusses the benefits of divorce mediation as it relates to the issues of custody and parenting time. Her article relies on the wisdom found in a book titled, Divorce and Family Mediation,by Folberg, Milne & Salem.
The article points out that custody disputes have a contest mentality. There is a relentless need to evaluate who is the "better parent". We question; who should be in charge? We evaluate each parent's past behavior in light of a set of standards call the "best interest of the child test". The court then applies the test to the past behavior of the parents.
The above fails for three reasons, according to the article. First, it assumes that people cannot and will not change. Second, it assumes that circumstances are static and will never change. Third, it ignores the high cost of "the contest". The cost of evaluating past conduct and placing a score on that conduct is always exponentially more expensive than building a parenting plan in a mediation setting.
Most importantly, is the plain and simple fact that the children always get caught up in the contest. The children are always the losers in the contest. They lose a united front of two parents working together for them. They lose the example of showing respect by both their parents. They lose from the loss of financial resources spent on the contest (litigation, arbitration, motions, evaluations......). They lose a feeling of security. Often they lose as they are placed in the middle of the game.
What to do? First, we need to change the mindset of custody and parenting time determination. The article suggests we need to "change the game". Parents need to come to the table with the mindset that no one is trying to steal the child from them. No one is trying to be "in charge" of the other or be the "owner". Both parents need to work together to put a plan in place for the best interest of the child.
Let's stop talking custody and start talking parenting. When we talk parenting, we have made the first step towards working together.
Dykema Law and Mediation: A better choice
Your first step towards parenting. Take this step for the sake of your child. Contact us today.